Our stories may differ but living with chronic pain takes a physical, emotional and financial toll on us all. Our family and friends who become our caretakers must navigate this journey with us and we must entrust them with our dignity. I hope my blog may offer true insight to those of us walking together in this journey.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Think before you speak
I was incredibly thankful to have two really great days this past week...Christmas and Boxing Day. I think that it was my best Christmas Day in several years and that emotion carried me forward to Boxing day to the point that I actually agreed to go to a relative's house where they host a big party every year. My aunt and uncle are terrific people and I love them dearly but when I was thinking about if I was strong enough to spend several hours (as they live a long way out of the city) and attend their party as I haven't been for a few years- my mom actually made the comment "But, Lauria, you used to be so close to _ and _ and you really love them LIKE THIS HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH GOING????
Sometimes, it is my mother who seems to not understand at all what I am going through or living with every day. I know that she is in quite a bit of denial how extensive this chronic pain has taken hold of my life but I wish she would think before she spoke - of course I know that she means well but her comments typically make me want to shut down even more.
So despite my mom's comments, I wore my favouite new green sweater and actually felt VERY HAPPY during the drive out to the Boxing Day party. I mean I hadn't felt this good in several months, I was flirting with my husband, etc. etc. so it was a huge thing for me. When we arrive, my kids and Blair go join most of the gang outside where they are ice-skating and I walk cheerfully into the living room where a few people are seated and smiling say "hello."
Before anyone could answer, this one gentleman (long term friend of my relatives) says in a dejected voice "Boy, you can sure tell that YOU are in a lot of pain, "and shakes his head sadly.
I was shocked and immediately felt like a giant deflated balloon that just has been carelessly popped....my happiness flying into little pieces all over the room until you couldn't see a speck of joy left anymore. I wanted to scream at this man and say "Well, actually, I haven't felt so darn good in months and I look nice today... my hair is SUPER CUTE AND..... the PAIN IS NOT IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW," but instead I sat down in their most comfortable chair and fought back tears for the next five long hours.
Going out and making idle conversation with many people I don't know or hardly know is just too much and when the pain reappeared in a vengeance a couple hours into the visit, I wasn't surprised and made room for it where I was sitting. God, I want to be so much more than just this STUPID PAIN, I think that its attempt to define who I am at all times is what has been the most difficult to bear.
So, just as a suggestion, when you first greet a person that you know suffers from pain, try to make your first comment a positive one because you really have no idea how much it took for this person to even join the crowd in the first place. Of course, it means a lot to have a person ask me how I'm doing but honestly, let's also discuss other things...anything but the pain.
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