AN ALTERED STATE

My Mom, bless her heart, would give anything to be able to fix me. And for a long time, we both thought that fusing my spine at age 12 to treat my serious case of scoliosis would do just that. Of course, she understood more than me at that tender age, the hell I would face in that initial recovery but it was the recommended option at the time. Years ago, it was common to SHIELD kids from the truth so I really didn't have a true picture of what I would go through after the surgery. And perhaps, if I had known what was coming, I might have started running and never stopped.

The PAIN WAS SEARING, beyond anything I could have comprehended and my grandmother broke down in tears the day I asked her "WHY GOD HAD FORSAKEN ME?" I was incredibly grateful to have my grandparents there in the hospital during my recovery as we lived in different cities by this point. They actually had a very special trip to Hawaii planned when the news of my upcoming surgery was shared. Even though, it was to be their very first trip outside Canada, my grandparents didn't hesitate to cancel it and drive the 15 hours to be with me instead. Having your loved ones beside you in a dark time is the only thing that keeps you moving towards the light.

 

My mom  and grandmother would spend countless hours just holding my hand as I had to lie motionless on a Stryker frame while my back healed enough for a body cast. I remember staring straight at the floor between the fabric slats and waiting the four hours until the nurses came to administer my morphine shot and flip me the opposite direction. Since this was well before the time of I-EVERYTHING (ipods, iphones), there were no distractions and because of the pain and consideration to other patients, it was just the sound of the medical machines and constant announcements from the nurse's station. Here I was, an innocent kid who had never each touched a cigarette, now reduced to begging the nurses to give me my shot early and once in awhile out of compassion, they did. I honestly don't remember being told that I was on morphine and because of that, being naïve of drugs, was shocked at my body's violent response the day I had to go through withdrawal. The feeling that I must be dying is still clearly etched in my mind and still to this day,  I can't believe I was kept in the dark about what was happening.

So, twenty years later after living with a spine in an altered and unnatural state, the two remaining disks below my fusion were severely compressed. Eventually, even though, these two little disks had allowed me to have a full and active life. I understand now that they were simply too tired and worn out of doing the work of an entire spine for over twenty years.

 And just like a race-horse being released from the starting gate, the pain surged through my spine, ferocious and determined to ignite every nerve in my body to signal pain to my brain. My pain's surprise attack found me unprepared, defenseless, wearing not one piece of armour. I was devastated, this was not the life plan I had anticipated. I thought I had paid my dues regarding pain back when I was twelve.

 It would take time to gather strength and educate myself about the battle I was in because no matter how much I wished it away, the pain was here to stay. But don't count me out, THE WARRIOR INSIDE ME is willing to do anything to "LIVE WELL," DESPITE THE PAIN.

 THE RACE IS UNBEARABLE LONG AND DIFFICULT AT TIMES BUT I AM DETERMINED THAT WHEN WE-THE PAIN AND I- CROSS THE FINISH LINE, I WILL THE ONE IN FRONT,

EVEN IF IT'S JUST BY A NOSE.

THE CHEERING WILL BE DEAFENING!!