FREE-FALL TO OBLIVION

The dream was vivid and incredibly beautiful; I was riding horses with my darling daughter, Malia and we were laughing and the day was perfect.  I was riding a gorgeous paint, a mare who was snorting and full of vitality. Malia was on a stunning bay mare, the colours of her hair mingling with her horse's mane. We were just approaching a small beautiful stream when I became distracted, my thoughts were unsettled  as I started to transition towards waking up. I remember distinctly experiencing a brief moment of panic as I tried desperately to remain in the dream,, I wanted to stay with my horse!

 Once awake, I lay motionless and felt a tear roll down my cheek upon the realization that indeed, I had only been dreaming.

 I had tried to outrun it in my sleep and for a moment had felt tremendous joy and peace but now awake felt its return, so unrelenting and powerful, it was hard to comprehend. “It” was my chronic pain, my constant companion during waking hours and the very thing that controls my life! I lay awake for at least 15 minutes, simply acknowledging all the different types of pain and where I felt it in my body. Sometimes, when my mind is far away, it can actually be fascinating to know all the sensations and intensities of pain. Fascinating until the brain's signals of pain comes into your senses and makes you want to scream!

Pain, a four letter word like so many others  (ie love, hate) and the power it wields over me has humbled me to my core. It is impossible to describe what it feels like to have pain that doesn’t leave your body and is always there for you to deal with in your mind. The most frustrating part of it is having it try to take over the very essence of the person you used to be and change you inside out. Once in a while, I catch glimpses of the former me…the energetic, vivacious woman who loved to play tennis and hit my forehand lazer shot, go for power walks, ride bareback in the snow, and swim in the bluest lakes. Now, I see someone I barely recognize! I move slowly, I'm bent over, my face has become  old and the worst of all, my eyes have lost their spirit.

I have experienced a chronic pain free fall and upon landing have splintered into thousands of pieces. I often feel when I walk around the house as though I am covered with a muggy, heavy blanket, the immense pressure pushing me into the ground and no one seems to see me. It has become the new normal to see this wife and mother wearing the face of  pain and sadness - it is no longer a shock to see me like this.

 I am overcome with such immense sadness, I recognize that many moments throughout the day and night, I wish to die.

I wish I could say that I lived with this condition with tremendous bravery and never lost hope but I am not living a fairytale, this is my reality. There are moments when I feel brave, every time I see my kids walk through the door from school, or when I tape an audition. When I pour out my feelings into one of these posts, I feel a sense of worth. But the days when I experience a productive afternoon are fleeting and I can't help but feel the same questions playing over and over in my mind.

 Do I still bring any value to my family, or to myself?
 How much of my new life is bringing my family to their knees? 
Are they telling me the truth that they still want me to fight?

 There are three events in the next 24 hours that my family will go to without me, it is simply easier that way. It's no wonder that I feel that I have disappeared already sometimes! A minute ago, when they were all standing at the door going to an event that required a lot of walking, I quietly commented that perhaps it was time that I consider getting a wheelchair so I could go next time. But the fact that I had to be the one to suggest it left a bad taste in my mouth, I wonder if they really just don't want me to go because it is so much more of a hassle. Believe me, no one wants to be an inconvenience!

It is no wonder that I love my dogs so very much that my heart hurts because of how much they mean to me. At least, I have their most wonderful companionship! I can be having the lowest moment and then my dog's overwhelming joy in greeting me just uplifts me to a point that I am once again one of the living.

Dependency has come slowly to my chronic pain’s journey and I fought it every moment. However, the saddest feeling I experienced was when I didn’t care to fight anymore and simply accepted that I would always need to be cared for and dependent on the mercy of others. It breaks my heart and my spirit but I tried for so many years to carry on despite the spine that I was given and please don’t think that I have thousands of things to be truly grateful for in my life. I have been truly blessed! 
I gave birth to two of the most beautiful and incredible children in the world. I love Christian and Malia with my entire being!

I should clarify that I very much WANT TO LIVE but just don't quite know how to navigate with this amount of pain dictating my life. 

Sometimes, it truly is too much and I am tired. SO VERY, VERY TIRED!

I sleep different times throughout the day and night, this very deep sleep is my body and mind's way of coping with pain that is unbearable. I guess you could say that sleeping at different times of the day could be inconvenient. At first, I felt frustrated by it and my inability to stay awake. But as days have gone by, I feel differently.

 I feel no pain when I am sleeping and therefore, it is truly the only time, I am at peace.  Of course, I miss the time to be productive, I miss time with my children and dogs, I miss time to visit and even talk to my grandmother and I hardly ever see any of my friends.
I, however must cope with this high level of pain and therefore, I am grateful for sleep! So, I create a beautiful space with lit candles, tidy room and cozy pillows. I often meditate until the sleep takes me away where I can finally rest!