ANGELS AMONG US

 This post is dedicated to my dearest angel, my Mama who turned 93 this past March 17th. She remains my rock, is extremely witty, bright, and beautiful. Mama still makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches, my favourite, and always wants me to take the best chair because of my back. It is probably our only disagreement...who carries the heaviest bag or the tea pot etc. because I THINK I SHOULD because of her age and SHE THINKS SHE SHOULD because of my back.

 Mama had at least four falls the past couple of years and never broke a bone and, in fact, only needed stitches once. It is obvious that my darling Mama has her own set of guardian angels that watch over her. I am just so very grateful that she remains one of my angels on this earth and is always a voice of wisdom to me and the epitome of grace! I was her very first grandchild and she had endless patience and love for me.....she still does!

Isn't she beautiful!

I love you Mama!

I truly believe that we all have angels that watch over us. When you suffer from severe chronic pain, there are moments that are overwhelming and I know for myself that the despair can just be too great. I honestly feel that if it wasn't for my special angels in my darkest times, I might not be here on this earth.

 I remember reading a detailed two page newspaper article that profiled this young man in his early twenties that has been fighting chronic pain for several years. The words that he spoke were "My Words" and I had never identified that strongly with someone quite that way. I couldn't read fast enough to find out what had helped him deal with his pain and felt a burst of hopeful adrenaline  reading about treatments I had not yet tried. Suddenly, I reached the last paragraph of his story and froze not wanting to comprehend or believe the words that jumped out from the page. This incredibly handsome, intelligent, articulate young man,  despite feeling hopeful after a recent radical brain surgery to treat his distressed nerve pain,  had killed himself.

He left behind his broken hearted parents who wanted to share his story and bring awareness to people living with chronic pain.  Immediately, I broke down sobbing, wanting to tell this young man NOT TO GIVE UP, that his words INSPIRED ME, that he was BRAVE and....that he still had SO much life ahead of him. But in that moment, I realized I was not only crying out to him but for the part of me  that wanted to join him and LEAVE THE PAIN BEHIND FOREVER!

 I would be lying if I said that I  never experienced these same dark thoughts- of course, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY CHILDREN OR MY LOVED ONES but I am human after all and understand this young man's choice.

 I would like to think that his angels had beckoned him to heaven to be healed, to be free of suffering and THAT IT WAS A GLIMPSE OF LIGHT, NOT DARK THOUGHTS that led him to his choice that day.  No one has the right to judge, it was his journey and it had, in the end, simply become too much.

One of my angels who is determined to show me that I have plenty of light left to see despite my pain is my best friend who also happens to be my grandmother. She will be 91 this next month but her health is wonderful and her mind is sharper than mine. To say that my grandmother, Norma is my rock, my strength, my go-to- person no matter the time of day or night would just only hint of how much she means in my life. I can just be myself , completely vulnerable and on days when tears are my only form of communication, she has a way of consoling me like no one else. My "MAMA," as I affectionately call her has the most gentle soothing voice but can also show a tremendous amount of spunk when needed. After a recent visit with my pain specialist that didn't yield any new treatments,, she was obviously not impressed and shared more than a few disparaging remarks. She finally announced in an authoritative voice," I should send you to the MAYO CLINIC,  THEY should be able to come up with something." Her immense fortitude made me laugh out loud and although, I dismissed her idea of going to the Mayo Clinic perhaps too quickly, I certainly appreciated the gesture.

You would thing that at 90 years of age, that I would be the one helping my grandmother in her senior years. But it is the complete reverse as demonstrated on my visits to her immaculately tidy condo where she fusses about me like I am still her little girl. We have heated, yet friendly, arguments THAT I MUST USE her most comfortable chair, fancy heating pad (that I gave her) and let's just say that  it is a race to see who can serve the tea and cookies. If we have bags to carry up to her place, she is fiercely independent as she carries more than her fair share. My grandmother doesn't just SAY THE WORDS, "she loves me", SHE LIVES IT with every gesture and action. I couldn't ask for a better role model in my life.

My grandmother never lets me forget my worth and reminds me that IT IS NOT TIED  to my physical limitations. She reminds me of  a sweet little lamb in a lion's suit, her sweet voice can turn remarkably fierce if anyone has made hurtful remarks to me because of my disability.
From her, I draw immeasurable strength that helps me live life day by day, no matter how big the storm.

At the end of our daily conversations, my grandmother reminds me to have faith and to ask God to be with me. I hang up the phone already knowing that God has "my back" so to speak because he was so gracious to give me the best grandmother in the world.

Perhaps, if it hadn't been for my pain, I would not have know the extent of my courage or the power of a grandmother's love...either way, I am grateful for my special angel on earth- 

Mama, I love you with my entire heart!!

FREE-FALL TO OBLIVION

The dream was vivid and incredibly beautiful; I was riding horses with my darling daughter, Malia and we were laughing and the day was perfect.  I was riding a gorgeous paint, a mare who was snorting and full of vitality. Malia was on a stunning bay mare, the colours of her hair mingling with her horse's mane. We were just approaching a small beautiful stream when I became distracted, my thoughts were unsettled  as I started to transition towards waking up. I remember distinctly experiencing a brief moment of panic as I tried desperately to remain in the dream,, I wanted to stay with my horse!

 Once awake, I lay motionless and felt a tear roll down my cheek upon the realization that indeed, I had only been dreaming.

 I had tried to outrun it in my sleep and for a moment had felt tremendous joy and peace but now awake felt its return, so unrelenting and powerful, it was hard to comprehend. “It” was my chronic pain, my constant companion during waking hours and the very thing that controls my life! I lay awake for at least 15 minutes, simply acknowledging all the different types of pain and where I felt it in my body. Sometimes, when my mind is far away, it can actually be fascinating to know all the sensations and intensities of pain. Fascinating until the brain's signals of pain comes into your senses and makes you want to scream!

Pain, a four letter word like so many others  (ie love, hate) and the power it wields over me has humbled me to my core. It is impossible to describe what it feels like to have pain that doesn’t leave your body and is always there for you to deal with in your mind. The most frustrating part of it is having it try to take over the very essence of the person you used to be and change you inside out. Once in a while, I catch glimpses of the former me…the energetic, vivacious woman who loved to play tennis and hit my forehand lazer shot, go for power walks, ride bareback in the snow, and swim in the bluest lakes. Now, I see someone I barely recognize! I move slowly, I'm bent over, my face has become  old and the worst of all, my eyes have lost their spirit.

I have experienced a chronic pain free fall and upon landing have splintered into thousands of pieces. I often feel when I walk around the house as though I am covered with a muggy, heavy blanket, the immense pressure pushing me into the ground and no one seems to see me. It has become the new normal to see this wife and mother wearing the face of  pain and sadness - it is no longer a shock to see me like this.

 I am overcome with such immense sadness, I recognize that many moments throughout the day and night, I wish to die.

I wish I could say that I lived with this condition with tremendous bravery and never lost hope but I am not living a fairytale, this is my reality. There are moments when I feel brave, every time I see my kids walk through the door from school, or when I tape an audition. When I pour out my feelings into one of these posts, I feel a sense of worth. But the days when I experience a productive afternoon are fleeting and I can't help but feel the same questions playing over and over in my mind.

 Do I still bring any value to my family, or to myself?
 How much of my new life is bringing my family to their knees? 
Are they telling me the truth that they still want me to fight?

 There are three events in the next 24 hours that my family will go to without me, it is simply easier that way. It's no wonder that I feel that I have disappeared already sometimes! A minute ago, when they were all standing at the door going to an event that required a lot of walking, I quietly commented that perhaps it was time that I consider getting a wheelchair so I could go next time. But the fact that I had to be the one to suggest it left a bad taste in my mouth, I wonder if they really just don't want me to go because it is so much more of a hassle. Believe me, no one wants to be an inconvenience!

It is no wonder that I love my dogs so very much that my heart hurts because of how much they mean to me. At least, I have their most wonderful companionship! I can be having the lowest moment and then my dog's overwhelming joy in greeting me just uplifts me to a point that I am once again one of the living.

Dependency has come slowly to my chronic pain’s journey and I fought it every moment. However, the saddest feeling I experienced was when I didn’t care to fight anymore and simply accepted that I would always need to be cared for and dependent on the mercy of others. It breaks my heart and my spirit but I tried for so many years to carry on despite the spine that I was given and please don’t think that I have thousands of things to be truly grateful for in my life. I have been truly blessed! 
I gave birth to two of the most beautiful and incredible children in the world. I love Christian and Malia with my entire being!

I should clarify that I very much WANT TO LIVE but just don't quite know how to navigate with this amount of pain dictating my life. 

Sometimes, it truly is too much and I am tired. SO VERY, VERY TIRED!

I sleep different times throughout the day and night, this very deep sleep is my body and mind's way of coping with pain that is unbearable. I guess you could say that sleeping at different times of the day could be inconvenient. At first, I felt frustrated by it and my inability to stay awake. But as days have gone by, I feel differently.

 I feel no pain when I am sleeping and therefore, it is truly the only time, I am at peace.  Of course, I miss the time to be productive, I miss time with my children and dogs, I miss time to visit and even talk to my grandmother and I hardly ever see any of my friends.
I, however must cope with this high level of pain and therefore, I am grateful for sleep! So, I create a beautiful space with lit candles, tidy room and cozy pillows. I often meditate until the sleep takes me away where I can finally rest!