REFLECTED IN THEIR EYES

WHEN PAIN BECOMES YOUR CONSTANT COMPANION, everyone is your life will become an extension of this part of your journey. I know that as a mother, it breaks my heart to see my children or any loved ones in pain so I understand the feelings involved in being on the other side. It is my children and my loved ones that see me at my most vulnerable and see the pain etched in my face.

My son, Christian, especially has like an inner radar that can glance at me and just know if I am having a particularly rough day. His sigh is barely audible but I see my pain immediately reflected in his eyes, frustrated and helpless. Christian doesn't often share with me his internal struggle with the knowledge that he can't fix his mom but I know he suffers far too much because of me. At times, I am overwhelmed by guilt even though I know it is not my fault.

  It is with painful clarity that I see how my battle with chronic pain now affects my loved ones
 DAILY as well!  And just like my own emotions that dance precariously on the edge of a cliff....the people in my life also find themselves on the merry-go-round of emotions.

Most of the sympathy is directed towards me.....as I am the one carrying the heaviest physical load but if you look closely, you will see the layers of pain in my children's eyes just as vividly!



One day over the recent Christmas Break, I was sitting holding my little girl's hand sitting watching a show together. Malia could tell that I was having a very difficult time and SUDDENLY,  SHE BROKE, crying and yelling at God to please make her Mommy better. I tried so hard to console her, to remind her that I never have blamed God for my crippled spine. But at that moment, my nine year old who has been praying for me all her life just wanted "A MIRACLE". She wanted me to be able to swing her around, play tennis with her and run down every ball and most of all....ride like the wind on the most beautiful horses side by side and never stop. Malia's breakdown crushed me to my utter soul and I would have given anything to be better...

 JUST SO IT WOULD STOP HER HEART FROM HURTING ANYMORE!!!!


So, eventually, when her tears subsided, we held each other and Malia  hugged me the best way she could without hurting me as I can't really twist or fold into a proper hug anymore. Suddenly, I pulled her onto my lap just like when she was a baby. "Mommy," her eyes were wide open and so worried but I said softly, "Sweet pea, just let me hold you for a moment, and never stop believing that my pain will lessen, we must always have hope. And when Mommy feels like giving up, you must be strong and when you feel very low, Mommy will be strong and we will simply take turns going round and round as long as we need too. Have faith, my sweet girl!"

My daughter "MALIA" is caring, resilient and beautiful from the inside out but I long for the day that we can RIDE A DIFFERENT TYPE of "CAROUSEL," TOGETHER! 
Have faith, my sweet girl!!