I THINK THAT IT WOULD BE SAFE TO SAY THAT THOSE OF US WHO SUFFER FROM CHRONIC PAIN FIND IT MORE DIFFICULT TO MANAGE IN WINTER!
Pain from arthritis and inflammation is aggravated by colder temperatures and for me, personally, it often feels as though my body is frozen in concrete. It's no wonder why people who retire are drawn to places with warmer temperatures, they are simply kinder to our body.
I feel at times conflicted about the thought of one day, leaving winter behind as when the temperatures are reasonable, I still find so many things to love. I find it both incredible beautiful and peaceful to watch falling snow and when paired with a vivid blue sky, it is truly breathtaking. Roaring fires, crystalline tree branches and festive lights always make me smile but the pain of winter encompasses my body like an ugly bulky coat.
I am very fortunate (along with my family) to own a property in a mountain resort called Panorama and we just recently began staying part of winter there, generally dictated by school breaks. Despite the overwhelming scenic beauty and utter peace, it is a bittersweet time with my family.
Sitting in a mountain cabin with a roaring fire, a great book, four dogs, (yes, four!) and my family is indeed a gift! But there are many times that I am left alone while they ski, toboggan, snow shoe, skate and do other outdoor activities. Please understand, I am not looking for pity, it is simply what happens when one member of the family cannot participate because of a disability.
Years ago, I skied with my husband several times, even going on an "expert only"run once, well beyond my capabilities. It was actually my handsome boyfriend who pushed me to go well beyond my comfort zone, and under the "impress the boyfriend," spell, off I went. That man is my husband now and even though that particular experience was quite frightening, I am now grateful for that memory. Even if skiing wasn't my forte, being extremely active was a joyous part of my daily life so I never dreamed that I would never have the opportunity to ski, even a beginner run, with my children.
Malia and Christian have only known their mother TO BE THE ONE ON THE SIDELINES.
SITTING, NOT DOING. RESTING, NOT PRESENT, AND ON GOOD DAYS, OBSERVING BUT NOT ACTUALLY LIVING THE EXPERIENCE.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE LOOK AT THEIR CONTENTED FACES TO KNOW ALL I HAVE MISSED.
So, watching them head off together for a day or afternoon of skiing wanting so badly to be with them is wearing. I find my depression returns with a vengeance, and I can't seem to swim out of it's intense, stubborn grip.There are many days when I feel that I could easily be swallowed up by the pain and it would be easier for everyone.
Even still, I try to force a smile to greet their rosy scarlet cheeks and typically buoyant moods, feeling just a smidgen sympathetic if they are cold and tired. I don't want to feel like this, I am happy for them but truthfully, I am equally devastated missing another part family activity. Inside, I cannot even begin to stop the torrent of tears that remind me that somewhere deep inside, I am still present and obviously not accepting of my fate.
My husband tried to bolster my spirits by enthusiastically saying as he often does,"LET'S DO SOMETHING THAT MOM CAN DO!" I know that this phase is meant with only good intentions but I truly hate it. I feel like everyone has to take a step down, with choices mainly being a board game, movie or pushing myself for a family walk. And because it was so incredibly beautiful outside, my husband pushed for a walk in minus 20 degree weather. To put it in perceptive, it was too cold to even take the dogs, and they are always my joy on the walk.We trudged along, heads down, feet and hands freezing, and because of the bitter cold, it was utterly dreadful.For two days, I didn't allow my depression a voice, not wanting to put a damper on their fun. My family need to live fully and not feel they have to hold back their joy because of my chronic pain. I know that my disability has forced my life into a small compact box that holds very few and unexpected surprises. It's interesting because I know that the activities that I mourn for in my life are not just for the pure joy of living but for the deep sadness I feel because my children never had that opportunity to know a very different active person. So I live on a precarious tettor-totter, days of accepting but having other intense moments of missing the chance to hold my daughter's hand while ice-skating, or treking through the snow on snow-shoes with my son. This was and is my personality, I simply don't identify with this disabled, rather vacant woman who has had pain as her constant companion for over 17 years.
IT IS ONLY IN MY DREAMS THAT I CAN FULLY BE MYSELF WITH MY CHILDREN!
So, it was only a matter of time before the depression volcano blew and it happened when a wonderful, young lady who is staying with us was figuring a suitable time to go sledding with my daughter. Suddenly, I blurted out, "Well, I might be going with Malia this time!" There was silence around me as the complete impracticality of my words let themselves sink. My husband broke the silence, "I don't think....well, I don't think that is a good idea. You can't!"
I pressed the point strongly knowing inside that I was being unreasonable but sadly, I only accomplished in seeing my daughter's face break into pieces of sadness and pity because she too wants these experiences with her mom. We love each other fiercely, my children and I and they mourn every bit as I do, the way life has unfolded. Seeing Malia's expression made me even more stubborn and unrelenting but looking back at that day, I simply feel that not being able to go with her was simply unbearable for me. I didn't mean to cause difficulty to my daughter or the young lady who was to go with her, My sadness and anger had simply imploded towards the ridiculous and futile notion that a mom with a fused and crippled spine could fly down a mountain on a sled, cherishing the frozen tears of laughter from her daughter mixed with her own.Of course, I didn't go sledding, and instead, I watched for a brief time from the kitchen window. I couldn't help but wince watching their often spectacular tumbles and knew in my heart that I could have been badly hurt, even paralyzed from a fall. Guilt from my bad behaviour steered me to writing but my arthritic hands could not cooperate. So, I sat and hugged my dogs and had a profound conversation with my fifteen year old son instead. Christian often doesn't participate in these family outings, he hates the bitter cold. However,I am starting to truly wonder if Christian has taken this role of often staying behind just to make sure that his Mom isn't alone. He has always been my protector, my deep thinking and feeling son whom I adore. I know that one of the reasons that Christian has suffered depression in his life is because of the very fact that he is unable to fix his mother. I know it is essential for me to find joy in my tiny box of life so Christian can find his own. We joke about the fact that we could easily live as hermits with our pack of dogs.
Our COLLIE, MAESTRO is so crazy intelligent and entertaining, OLIVER AND SOLOMON (OUR MINIATURE LONG-HAIRED DACHSHUNDS) are our resident sweet-hearts and professional cuddlers, and the spirit and joy exhibited in our senior SHELTIE girl, KIESA is inspiring. I am so grateful for the incredible love of my dogs, their comfort is immeasurable!
Malia eventually comes home and I find myself genuinely happy for my little mini-me who has just lived life to the fullest for the both of us. I forgive my earlier unreasonable behavior and recognize that those moments are necessary to remind my kids how much I want to be there with them! I am such a blessed mother to have these two children with such big and loving hearts.
The pain of winter just eased up a little; reading a great book by a crackling fire is indeed slice of heaven. I remind myself to sink heavily into this simple joy, and cuddling with my dogs patch up my broken heart.I am truly happy and grateful that this moment will sustain me for a good long while!
Blessings,
L
