I had to whisper the words "I am disabled," the first time I ever said it. Even fifteen years later, it still sounds like I am saying something shameful about myself. That I am less than I was before.Pain has made me less tolerant in that way, it's difficult not to take it personally when my family members don't put away their stuff and let the house go. I was brought up to always keep an immaculate house and frankly, it breaks my heart to have lost my physical ability to perform household tasks that used to give me such satisfaction.
Stumbling over dirty laundry on the floor, seeing the garbage close to the top, dusting, vacuuming that's long overdue, I find it impossible to adjust to my family's cleaning time-table. The frustration spills into anger both towards them and my disability and when I can't contain my feelings anymore, they speed like a mini-tornado directed towards my family.
Loading their dishes into the dishwasher, I spit out the words, the taste already bitter in my mouth,
"Why do you let your CRIPPLED MOM do this for you?"
In that moment. I felt both intense shame and sadness. I can't say enough how difficult it is to be dependent on people but in that use of the word, "crippled," I was being derogatory and even though it was directed to myself, it was out of line and hurtful to my children.
I never mean to play "the crippled card" but sometimes when I'm frustrated, I slip.
Just for the record, I would never use "that" word directed to anyone else!
When you look up the word "CRIPPLED" in the dictionary, definitions include:
"a term used to refer to a person who is partially or totally unable to use one or more limbs"
"a lame or partly disabled person or animal"
" one that is disabled or deficient in a specified manner"
"a person who is disabled or impaired in any way"
" something flawed or imperfect"
FLAWED, IMPERFECT..Those words strongly resonate with me although aren't we all flawed and imperfect in some way? However, the fact remains that this "flawed, imperfect spine" has left me mostly housebound and yet living in the very space that no longer reflects me. I often find that this in itself is as crippling to me as my pain. It is a constant reminder of the capable person I used to be, the wife and mother I used to be. I look in the mirror every day hoping to see "Her" familar face but instead see deadened eyes, and a pale face that rarely smiles.
I know that I am not alone, there are so many of us that feel dependent living with families who are trying to carry the extra load of that person's former contributions. When I write that word, it strikes me like a blow to the chest because most every contribution that I made, financially, emotionally, physically has been replaced with the little four letter word that stole my life, PAIN!
There is the physical pain of course but also the pain felt the countless times that I have to see the light fade in my daughter's eyes when I postpone yet another sleepover request. My heart breaks watching my daughter bravely hide her disappointment remembering that I AM NOT LIKE MOST MOMMIES who can host play-dates, host her birthday parties, drive to activities, and participate in those activities. The saddest part to me is that my little girl is getting used to leaving me behind.Can I see my face in the mirror and not be sad
Could I be a strong, loving mother and never play the crippled card?
Can I live for the future and not be locked in the past?
Some people really take offense to the word "crippled," and I can completely understand because the word can be used in a very negative way and of course, there are better choices. But the fact remains, that my spine is crippled. It is was a serious S Scoliosis curve that is now fused with metal rods and screws, worn out...basically done, unraveled my nerve centre in my brain sending messages of pain to most of my body. There is no word that describes my pain better than to say it is crippling!
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I don't want to play the crippled card, honestly I would give anything to have my healthy active body again. The words in my blog simply allow me to release some of the anguish of life with chronic pain so please don't feel that I am looking for your pity. I think I speak for a lot of people who are challenged physically or in any other way that we want your understand, your compassion, for you to still see us before we fall from the tree to be blown away in the wind.
All the definitions I read mentioned that the term "cripple," is generally considered offensive. However, there was one definition in the Urban Dictionary that had a different take.
Top Definition. Cripple (Site:Urban Dictionary):
A person who has a disability and embraces it, rather
than feeling sorry for themselves. Yes, I am a Cripple, got a problem with that?
I read that definition and it hit me like a punch in the gut, the challenge to look deeper at my face in the mirror! Self-imposed questions fell like leaves in an freak autumn storm!
Have I ever considered truly embracing my disability when 99% of the time, I try to separate myself from it?
Can I live in pain and still be truly happy?
Could I stop apologizing for the things I can't do and concentrate on the things that I can, no matter how short the list may seem?
Could I teach my children to treat me with dignity but also treat myself with the same compassion?
Can I forgive my body for being broken?
Can I see my face in the mirror and not be sad?
Could I be a strong, loving mother and know that I am my children's BEST MOM!
Can I feel worthy of love despite my curved spine?
Can I decide to never play the "crippled card," ever again, TO NEVER refer to myself in a derogatory term both in my thoughts and out loud?
CAN I SEE "THE BEAUTY OF MY CHILDREN" EVEN IF THE LINES ARE BLURRED BY PAIN?
It's so interesting that in writing this post, my own perception of the word "Crippled," has completely flipped upside-down.
How could I possibly expect people to view me as someone who isn't broken, who isn't crippled if I couldn't see that myself.
Looks like I have some work to do! The first change will be to never refer to myself as crippled because I said it with complete disdain. I was being offensive and cruel. I need to see the brave woman I am for enduring daily chronic pain and that I can still live a life worth living! There will be tough days that will test me but I must continue to look up. After all, there always seems to be some leaves that despite the fiercest storm manage to hold onto the tree.
