The music carried me as I walked my first marathon. The words of Kelly Clarkson's new songs "Run Run," and "Piece by Piece," inspired me to keep walking long after I left my body.So, it was without a cheering crowd that I crossed the finish line completely alone shortly before midnight. I could barely find my chair before a black heaviness threatened to overtake me but the salty taste of my tears keep me aware.. It had taken me three months and twenty-one days to finally achieve what, for many people, is a daily accomplishment - the magic goal of walking 10,000 steps. It's ironic for me, since I felt the number was unattainable because of my dysfunctional spine, that I actually surpassed it, 11,124 steps to be exact. And so there I was us, a bundle of elation and exhaustion, and although overcome with thirst, too weak to get some water. With no other recourse, I shakily let the phone ring for my husband -who was downstairs- and knows our private signal for help. It took some time to gather my words as he stood tiredly in front of me, unaware of my personal victory.
"Please, could I have some water?" my voice was barely audible and before I could explain, he was gone with my empty glass so accustomed to the many requests that my pain has for him. For a moment, the elation of what I had accomplished disappeared into the void of frustration of once again, feeling vulnerable and dependent.
But the stark likelihood of falling trying to fetch my own dam glass of water, stared me straight in the face. For a moment, my own voice mocked me " You walked 11,000 steps but now find yourself too weak to go down one flight of stairs?" But I soon realized that "IT," MY PAIN was trying to take even this moment away from me so I pushed "IT" away allowing myself once again, the feeling of ridiculous joy.My thoughts returned to my husband who shows me many small acts of kindness but, on the days he cannot disguise his rather empty stare, he makes me wish a thousand times over that I didn't have to ask him for anything. And I know that he wishes a thousand times over that our situation was different and I didn't need to ask. We are husband and wife but at these times, our relationship wavers precariously to the roles of caregiver and dependent. It is its own marathon as chronic pain has shaken our relationship just like any health challenge would. We may promise in our wedding vows to "Stand and Love each other through the good time and bad, in sickness and in health..." but nobody knows what that challenge will feel like until you're there standing in its wake. I can truthfully say that if your marriage stands on any faulty ground, having a spouse with chronic pain will shake things to its very foundation. Sometimes, if you are fortunate, you will grasp each other's hands and once again find firm ground. But for others, the cracks will widen until you can't help but fall into the insurmountable void.
It is difficult to watch a marathon knowing some people will reach the finish line while others will falter along the journey.
Chronic pain won't end a marriage but it will amplify any problem that you already had!
But regardless of where my marriage stands, Tonight I walked a marathon all by myself and if it's okay with you, I'd just like to savour that for now!
