Well, you can probably tell from my title that this post probably won't be my most uplifting post. To be honest, I took a break from writing because I was hoping that even stopping that little bit of time sitting at the computer might help reduce my pain level but nothing has helped. Tonight has just been a very tough place for my churning thoughts as they became even darker and more reckless, I decided I better get up and write for my own sanity. Right now, I just want to rip open my back and reach inside and take everything out until I no longer feel anything but I since I can do that, I am writing from a rather tortured place tonight.
First of all, I have much to be grateful for but no matter how many times I tell myself that, I feel the darkness of depression pulling me down to a place that I never wanted to go back to. The chronic pain is more intense, so all encompassing that I can only retreat to my bedroom so my children do not have to feel burdened by my broken heart.
I was able to secure summer help before the summer started and I should be grateful but this young lady named "M" but despite being in her twenty-five just seems to need constant managing and lacks common sense. She is a very sweet individual but doesn't take initiative unless asked and performing household task and general cooking is simply not her cup of tea. If I just wanted a companion for my children, she would be perfect but I need much more than that. As a woman who wants to take care of her own family and home but her crippled spine decided otherwise, it isn't always easy to step aside especially even the person you hire doesn't seem to understand that you would rather be the one doing it!
When you have to share your space, your possessions, your dogs, your family- it is almost like a gift from God when you can find an individual who can make all our broken puzzle pieces fit. I have had some of the most incredible young ladies do just that and fit into our family seamlessly but eventually they have to leave and the pressure of finding another person who you can trust and who can stay and WHO WANTS TO STAY is very stressful. I know that I am far from perfect but there are days that I feel heartbroken and bitter when rather than feeling my caregiver sees herself as an extension of me, she is quite happy replacing me instead. There have been so many days lately where I feel completely invisible as if the wind could wisp what is left of me away and no one would even notice.
But at the end of the day, "M" has a good heart and loves my kids and my dogs so that is part I must try to be grateful about.
Today was tough however as I had to watch my beautiful ten year old daughter walk around arm in arm all day with "M" and I so wanted to be happy about that but my eyes keep welling up with tears. Near the end of the day, Malia announced to me in a very excited voice, Tomorrow me and M are getting up early to go play tennis and then watch a special movie together. I knew that I should be happy for my daughter and I was to some degree. But honestly, the awful green monster of envy came storming out of my heart yelling to my mind and spirit...." YOU LOVE TENNIS, NO NO, that's now even sufficient, TENNIS WAS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT, YOU HAD A LAZER FORE-HAND AND WAITED AND PRAYED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FOR ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN TO BE ABLE TO GO PLAY TENNIS TOGETHER.
Yes, it's true, tennis was never such a form of exercise for me, it was a form of pure absolute joy that was so much incredible fun and I loved running down every ball. I even played until I was 7 months pregnant.
Back to "M" and my daughter announcing they were getting up early to play, I tried to plaster a smile on my face but wished they had just made a comment like "Gee, we would love you to come along if you are feeling up to it....even if you could hit a ball or two," but they just glowed with their own happiness. So, Tomorrow morning, five hours from now, "M" will go out holding hands with my beautiful little girl, play with my prized purple tennis raquet and they will come home in great spirits and somehow I must put on a happy face for my daughter's sake.
I sound horrible don't I?
I'm sure after writing this, I will receive ten comments about what a poor attitude I displayed and how I should be happy for my daughter to have someone to play with her etc....and I HAVE TRIED to be positive but for some reason, this was truly a low moment where I looked at life square on and didn't know if I could handle being left at home one more day. Recognizing that even the very few times that I play tennis for 10 minutes or so, I am in agony and can't run down a ball to save me life.
Tennis, golf, horse-back riding, walking, bicycling, walking our gorgeous dogs,all of these activities that I longed to do with my family or four but my spine has determined that I will stay home.
So at 4:30am , I got up to vent my feelings instead of taking a bottle of pills that would have made a permanent decision in my life and hurt too many people that I love. Would they ever forgive me knowing that I wasn't suffering anymore both with the physical and emotional pain anymore?
The last time I looked up the work chronic, it meant "ongoing, consistent, something that doesn't go away. It's rather ironic to me that I live with pain that "doesn't go away and has altered the course of my life," because it many ways, I have already "gone away." I identify far too often with the word "INVISIBLE!"
I never realized before this very second that the second greatest loss to me because of enduring my spinal nerve cord pain is who I am as I person now, at times, full of envy and resentment that no matter how hard I fight, I just can't be who I want to be. I must pray for greater fortitude in these moments where the light is simply too hard to see.
Physical exercise doesn't just heal your body, it also uplifts your soul and heart and without that physical joy, it is difficult to care how you look because frankly I don't really like the person in the mirror looking back at me very much anymore. It terrifies me to think that I might be gone for good and I have simply been left with this shell of a body through which I must now navigate my life.
I think I could be okay most of the time with a broken body but it is the constant, unwavering pain that makes me wonder how long I can persevere?
The sun is just now starting to rise above the mountains and the sight is truly inspirational and reminds me that perhaps tomorrow, I will find strength somewhere to continue as I can't bear the thought of leaving my beautiful family!
I thank my readers for an opportunity to indulge my feelings of despair on a truly tough night.
